Goodnight Moon...
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maybe its time i finally post this so you can see what you’ve done.
(day 1) and i kno that u are over me and us and that ur movin on to other people n other things, but to be honest, i’m sitting in lab and all that i can think of is all the days i sat here and texted you, facebook messaged you, looked forward to skyping you… and now i’m sittin here, drenching the keyboard with my tears dripping so quickly down my face that i’m pretty sure i’ll die of dehydration in a few min if i keep this up. i dont care if you never read this, if you do read it but couldn’t possibly care less, or if you feel the same way i do, kevin, i love you. im dying here without you. and its not the first time, but you rescued me those other times. my heart keeps sinkin lower and lower into my gut jus knowing that the fate of everything was in my hands, and i destroyed it with the lack of one kiss and the posting of one simple sentence. sometimes i think that if i jus put a knife thru my chest, it will replace the pain of the hole you left in me. i think that maybe it will keep my heart from sinking any lower. i think that it may give me some relief from this constant agony i’ve felt since we said goodbye. but what good would that really do me? cuz i would never know how our story turned out. i’d be down to the remainder of the day… left with only the time it takes me to bleed out. and i kno in that little amount of time, you wont be able to save me. but at this point, i dont think you want to, or even care one way or the other.
just kno that i’m truly truly sorry for all the problems i’ve caused for u. i want you back more than anything else and i love you forever. but i’ll never be able to tell you that again. so goodbye sunshine. please dont forget us. <3
love,
moonlight
(day 2) all i can think of today is “get him out of your head so you can get your work done!” and damn i feel like I’m getting better but I’m still not over you. she’ll never know you the way i did, she’ll never care the same way. but she will be there all the time, to help ease your lonely nights. she’ll be there every day to screw n watch porn wit n hang out wit ur stupid friends.
(day 3) I WANT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. i want to be over him but i was dropped. there was no closure. jus hurt. and she’s making him/ helping him move on. but without her, he’s still… he knows its not right. he texts and i get butterflies. i cant cut myself off. i want to cut this main like- this central line to this durg high. he doesnt make me happy. its in my head. i jus want him to belong to me, nobody else. is this relationship all about selfishness? what can we get from each other? i mean i can ask for a million things… doesn’t mean i’ll get them. i gave but i asked too much.
(day 4) everything i touch reminds me of him. it hurts so badly. i’ve thought of a million ways to end my pain, but none of them give me him. pills, scraping my skin off, giant chunks of my back, legs, arms… knife to the thighs, wrists, throat…knife to the chest, bullet to the head, pulling out my eyes with the tip of a nail file… it all seems like it would make this unending, unquenchable ache end, or at least it would distract me for a moment. i want to taste paradise. nobody knows me here. nobody knows me anywhere. all these people walk past and look at my blank stare and furious writing and never think twice. they don’t kno that i sit here contemplating ways to end myself, end my pain, taste that bit of paradise that God can offer me after death… I’ll never find that here on earth. Everyone says oh you have so much to live for… yes i do. my family, career, friends… i mean if i ended it, it would devastate them. and for as much as they mean to me, they will never know how this feels inside. they dont understand, not even for a moment. this lonely black hole… i think it is hell. this suffering, loneliness, wailing- to the point where i feel like something needs to be exercised from within me. i panic. i cant breathe. then he comes to me again. and i hear him tell me to calm down just like on the day we said goodbye. that comfort felt like no other. i want that back. instead, i’m floundering around for answers while he moves on. no answers for me. i dont kno y he is so stubborn. it hurts. he can jus ignore this like nothin is happening cuz he found his new “mommy”. she is around 24/7 to cook n give him anythin he wants, any time of the day. i kno i dont want that job. i dont wanna raise him like a child. so y does it hurt? cuz we were us for so long and i gave so much that i guess i was expecting someting, anything, back and it hurts to kno that the person u gave so much to can leave within 3 days without any regrets. it kills someone. literally kills. i feel like if i had access to alcohol or better drugs, i could dose myself into oblivion. i kno it may not make me feel better or forget anything… but its better than nothin. x_x i jus wanna talk without her interfering or his friends interfering. i wannna kno wat is goin on in his head without other peoples opinions.
